菜鳥第十七期
好的
this week has been a troubling one
and one that is mentally tiring
from all the internal struggles within me
i remember feeling like i've offended three people directly and indirectly on monday
which made me felt so tired out from all the need to give politically correct answers and maintaining beneficial work relationships
it made me rethink and wonder if i could really come to work and do what i want most, which i assumed to be the core idea of the department, to write and produce quality local shows
i was upset over ideas of settling for what's easy, safe to do what others have done, and being defensive over criticisms while you spend little effort on doing what could have been better
i was lost over how i should perform at work, whether it's worth offending bosses simply for trying to improve a show that i'm not even credited, whether there is anyone in this place that treasures tv as much as i do
i recall a boss saying that they want to improve as a whole such that there wouldn't be another passionate talent that walks out of the company feeling hopeless
and i ponder over whether i would be that one who leaves with a passion that is entirely dampen
for that,
i fear
as i fear losing what defines me
and what i would be left at the end of the day
so for most of the week
i was in a pretty depressed state
which made me so keen to keep drawing as though it brings me to somewhere i could relax
resulting in the following sketches
as i was thinking over what exactly went wrong over the week
i had a sudden idea to ask joycelyn to describe me in both positive and negative adjectives
like all, i think ppl are generally reluctant to say of another person in a negative manner
but i managed to force my negative trait out of her, to which she said - idealistic
and bang
it then dawned on me that maybe all that struggle over those days were just a matter of my mind
idealistic
maybe even perfectionistic
and obsessive
perhaps, that was all that was bothering me
the world isn't that perfect as you think,
and you jolly well knew it since ages ago
what exactly is upsetting you now
how did they act that is so different from what you knew
maybe
all that happened was just things that didn't go your way
maybe
it's just you, still being unable to get over how the world works
and that isn't going to change a thing
unless you change your mind to work towards what you want it to be
or maybe,
it's just not being used to not having a break after three months
since uni life was such over the past four years
... hahah i have no idea how my brain works tbh
alright, putting the negativity aside
the food was good and we had vouchers for it to offset the expenses
and chabansheng's music was reallllllly good :')
oh and i actually topped up my card using tamil for the first time ^^
this lunch brought me a lil joy on thurs when i was recovering from all the upsetting days before
salted egg chicken :D :D
kinda hurt my knee, though idk how, when i ran on sunday
and eventually had to climb down the stairs by walking sideways and leaning on my dad's shoulders
mental reminder to be good and do the necessary warm ups the next time i run haha
this week has been a troubling one
and one that is mentally tiring
from all the internal struggles within me
i remember feeling like i've offended three people directly and indirectly on monday
which made me felt so tired out from all the need to give politically correct answers and maintaining beneficial work relationships
it made me rethink and wonder if i could really come to work and do what i want most, which i assumed to be the core idea of the department, to write and produce quality local shows
i was upset over ideas of settling for what's easy, safe to do what others have done, and being defensive over criticisms while you spend little effort on doing what could have been better
i was lost over how i should perform at work, whether it's worth offending bosses simply for trying to improve a show that i'm not even credited, whether there is anyone in this place that treasures tv as much as i do
i recall a boss saying that they want to improve as a whole such that there wouldn't be another passionate talent that walks out of the company feeling hopeless
and i ponder over whether i would be that one who leaves with a passion that is entirely dampen
for that,
i fear
as i fear losing what defines me
and what i would be left at the end of the day
so for most of the week
i was in a pretty depressed state
which made me so keen to keep drawing as though it brings me to somewhere i could relax
resulting in the following sketches
and the little quote below, is a realization i had as i started drawing the rose
which was hard and unlikely to succeed
but eventually looked like something decent ... i guess
okay and so depressed wei links everything to darkness
as i was listening to chabansheng's mini concert on wed
some lyrics of the songs they sang, like 不為誰而作的歌, actually struck the chord of losing self
and i looked towards jov w teary eyes saying omg 我是誰 我到底是谁
to which she gave a smack
LOL
but yea that's how i was the whole of that week
reacting to every negative thing possible
life, death, sickness, dreams, dark sides of humanity, etc
and jov shared the story of her friend who wanted to write, and hence joined a journalism co,
only to find that what she used to love became what she hates overnight
honestly, that made me feel that i'm truly one lucky girl
but i cant help feeling for her cause i could really imagine her despair over having to face reality from this moment on as her dreams are now dashedas i was thinking over what exactly went wrong over the week
i had a sudden idea to ask joycelyn to describe me in both positive and negative adjectives
like all, i think ppl are generally reluctant to say of another person in a negative manner
but i managed to force my negative trait out of her, to which she said - idealistic
and bang
it then dawned on me that maybe all that struggle over those days were just a matter of my mind
idealistic
maybe even perfectionistic
and obsessive
perhaps, that was all that was bothering me
the world isn't that perfect as you think,
and you jolly well knew it since ages ago
what exactly is upsetting you now
how did they act that is so different from what you knew
maybe
all that happened was just things that didn't go your way
maybe
it's just you, still being unable to get over how the world works
and that isn't going to change a thing
unless you change your mind to work towards what you want it to be
or maybe,
it's just not being used to not having a break after three months
since uni life was such over the past four years
... hahah i have no idea how my brain works tbh
alright, putting the negativity aside
the food was good and we had vouchers for it to offset the expenses
and chabansheng's music was reallllllly good :')
oh and i actually topped up my card using tamil for the first time ^^
this lunch brought me a lil joy on thurs when i was recovering from all the upsetting days before
salted egg chicken :D :D
kinda hurt my knee, though idk how, when i ran on sunday
and eventually had to climb down the stairs by walking sideways and leaning on my dad's shoulders
mental reminder to be good and do the necessary warm ups the next time i run haha
