Christmas Merry?

saw the mails on dhsmail
and really turned to myself and questioned,
"Am I really, really going to commit myself to so many things, and sustain the possibility of screwing up A levels? Making my parents worried over how stressful I might get at the end of the year again?"

I quit piano such that I'll have more time for 'A's
but after I did so,
I said "yes, i'm interested" to Homa Fundraising and Guides OCIP
which will inevitably take up my time for studies,
not to mention the presence of Guitar SYF to work for and the two Guides activities along with a probable Guitar concert.

Haven't I, made the decision to pay attention to studies after screwing up GP this promos?
Haven't the big fat number of 18/50 in both Paper 1 and Paper 2 alarmed me enough?
Or has the As Bs and Cs of other subjects eased my tension and made me less aware that I haven't been working hard enough and that all this supposed good grades are just luck coupled with my little hardwork?

I guess, I have a decision to make, even though it's gonna be awkward and disappointing to myself,
it's a decision to make for the betterment of me and my parents' future.


Grandma's still in the hospital and god knows when she'll be discharged.
Dad and Aunt are on this rotation basis to stay by her side,
especially when she keeps wanting to go home even though the doc says no.

Sleeping pills failed to work on her strong determination to get out of there
that she only took a wink or two for the whole of last night and that,
my dad goes through a whole night of worry and fear that she might get out of bed without informing such that he, did not sleep till now, that he gets home and finally decides to nap for a short three hours,
before returning to the hospital and take care of the fearful mum.

A trip to the hospital's A&E department makes me worry for all the patients there.
Staff there treats patients as part of their job, and that doing them services is nothing more than a routine,
so where? where will the care they commit to give come from?
Nonchalant towards the psychological needs of patients but simply prescribing methods and medication to their physical needs,
does that ease patients' illness? does that satisfy their true wants?

An elderly from the neighbouring ward screamed and shouted while the nurse served her for night duty,
she called for her to leave, she attempts to chase her away and let her go
but nothing was done and all she could do is to continue screaming.
Indeed, it is undeniable that it is a nurse's duty to ensure the patients' safety
but couldn't some comfort be done to help ease her pain?
Nonetheless, some help may have been offered, I never know.

It's a christmas day,
but to say that he forgives everyone,
why not make it more encouraging by saying that he will help everyone elevate their pain, physically and psychologically?
cause forgiving, may simply turn out to be excuses one make for themselves,
after hurting their uncountable number of victims,
but at least by elevating one's pain, it releases the tension in both the one in need, and their family's uncontrollable worries.


Didn't go for christmas party yesterday cause truthfully, how to when you're worried for both your dad and grandma?
And I'm not going to christmas lunch today cause I have to ensure my dad's sleeping enough for his health,
and not running away to do his work admist all the psychological pain he's going through now.

Back to work.

Before that, here's a post from huayingying which i find, truthfully touching and pride worthy
cause it's my friend who's doing such a good deed :)

Merry Christmas Eve.
It’s snowing today. Raining, too.

I walked a long way to the uni’s backstreet to get myself lunch - hot milk tea, chicken wings, and sweet potato. Anyway a little culture capsule about china: there is such a street in every single uni here. The official name is always something that nobody can ever bother to remember, but we all know the streets as “破烂街”, which is almost all the time apt. Calling it street is an understatement actually, it’s more like a maze, in which everything you can think of, is being sold. Very interesting place, albeit messy in an overwhelming way.

Ventured in, walked around, and went back to the front gate to get my potato and walk another long way back to the hotel. Oh and did you know that sweet potato is kind of grilled? In um, a barrel, that can be carted around. With coals. Ok terrible description, I’ll take a picture if I see it again, it’s unusual looking, but it makes heavenly sweet potatoes.

I was keeping my change and walking towards the gate, thinking about rushing back because it was cold, when I saw her.

She was kneeling. On the disgusting, muddy, freezing, and uneven ground. Her back arched in defeat, a humbled plea. Whenever someone walks past, she bows lower, forehead almost touching the ground. It was snowing. And raining, too. Compared to the people who wore sweaters on top on sweaters and coats on top of all that, people walked past her as though she’s not even there, she looked like she was not wearing anything at all. Thin. blue. jacket. That’s all. That is all. And it’s barely zero degrees outdoors.

I emptied into the bowl she had before her all the change with me. Even though it is the epitome of stupidity to do so here, where you never know when you’re falling for an act. Even though it’s not enough, especially not today. But I needed something to believe in. So much that I don’t know if I did it for her or for me.

I didn’t look at her.

Because I had sweet potato. And five layers of clothes. A hotel to go back to.

She said “谢谢你”. Thrice.

I bent down, and I touched her hands.

They were icy.

It’s Christmas. So god, amongst the racks of clothes on sale, the gorgeous christmas lights, the brisk strides of rushing people, the shoving and shouting to grab at a 50% discount item,

is that where you are?

this makes her third note.